Impostor Syndrome and Detrimental Perfectionism

In a cloudy fog of illusion, truths can seem deceitful and impractical.

Hello, world! As I approach my sophomore year in college, I find myself reflecting on my first year and what I have learned.

When I started my first year at college, I was honestly terrified. A few days before classes started, I remember walking from the bookstore to my dorm with a large pile of books in my arms thinking "I hope I survive the semester." I remember feeling so uneasy as I walked to my room, worried that I, for some reason, wasn't adequately prepared for the classes I had signed up for. I had no good reason to believe this, but I did.

This feeling of uneasiness lasted for weeks. As I sat in my first class of the year, all I could think about was how I didn't belong in that class because the other students around me were probably smarter, more experienced, and more worthy of being in that class than I was. Keep in mind, this was my FIRST DAY of classes. I had absolutely no substantial evidence that any of this was true. But this was my brain's default cycle of thinking.

During these first few weeks, I would have sleepless nights and could not stop worrying about how my semester would go. I would go to sleep anxious, have stress dreams as I slept, and would wake up anxious. I questioned my belonging at my school 24/7. I obviously had Impostor Syndrome. To learn more about Impostor Syndrome, click here.

Because of this feeling of inadequacy, I came to the conclusion that I would have to work twice as hard as other students just to be able to do okay––I just wanted to pass my classes. So, I would spend most hours of every day studying, doing homework, and reading, all the while having the fear in the back of my mind that all of this work would be useless and that I still wouldn't do well in my classes. Without my knowledge, I had developed heightened perfectionism. My belief that I was somehow insufficient of the "natural" qualities needed to successfully complete my first year of college caused me to work much harder than I needed to, believing that it was necessary if I even wanted to do okay in my classes.

The problem with my perfectionism was that I did not have the mindset that I would eventually reap the fruits of my labor. I did not think: "Ok. Since I work so hard on my assignments, I will get great grades and understand everything very well." The mindset that I subconsciously had was "Ok. Since I'm not naturally capable of doing well in these classes, I'm going to work my ass off in HOPES that I will at least be on the same playing field as other students and, at the very least, PASS my classes." This perfectionism came from a mindset of lack. It didn't even cross my mind that I was being a perfectionist. I was extremely misinformed.

When I began to receive my grades on assignments, I was literally taken aback because I didn't expect to do so well. I was genuinely surprised. My Impostor Syndrome had dragged me so deep into a hole of lies that I didn't even realize or appreciate what I was great at doing. When I started to crawl out of this hole, I began to realize that I was worrying for nothing during all of those weeks. Not only was I worrying about nothing, but I was also neglecting my obviously existing intelligence. I did not have to spend the entirety of my free-time studying and doing homework. It just wasn't necessary in order to do well in my classes.

I had to learn how to develop a healthy relationship with my schoolwork so that I wasn't obsessing over it and clouding my understanding of my competency; I had to learn that I have to embrace my capabilities in order to avoid futile worry and anxiety––I don't have to suffer in order to survive. I can have trust and confidence in my natural state of being instead of undermining it and putting way more effort into things than I actually have to.

Once you learn how to go after your goals with a mindset of abundance instead of a mindset of lack, you'll be able to achieve those goals faster, more peacefully, and with less worry. Your mind can make room for actual progress instead of being filled with anxious thoughts that lie to you! <3